Why, It's Elementary

Hi everyone.

Or, as I like to call you, Steve.

Sorry I'm late.

Against all of my whining and protesting, I've been busy.

My first substitute day was Thursday.

I was in for the French teacher.

Friday I was in for a grade four teacher.

Now, if you're wondering what subtle differences there are between teaching grade fours and people in puberty, allow me:

-though incoherent, junior high kids never tell stories that go nowhere.

Several times I nodded and "Oh really!'d" through anecdotes that made no sense.

-if elementary kids want something, they just...walk up to you.

And ask for it.

Before you know it you'll have a circle of them just...around you.

Looking at you.

And they constantly rush up to you to interrupt one another.

Kid One: "I don't have my math book."
Me: "This is Language Arts."

Kid One: "Yeah, but"-

Kid Two: -"My nose is bleedin'!"

-junior high kids won't call you down to their desks having farted immediately beforehand.

Whatever affords me the currency to replace my 360.

Bring it on.

Anyway, I figured I'd touch base with everyone.

But I'm feeling rather Sunday this morning.

So I'm going to phone it in with some random garbage from that book I try to impress women with.

The only part of Equestrian riding that's truly impressive is convincing a 1000-pound animal to run around a little track for you.

We are all varying accumulations of drier lint.

Convocation is just a church service with smarter people.

My new method for choosing a wife:

The day I start dating a girl I buy a new, large box of Q-tips.

If she's still around by the time I use the last one, I propose to her.

If you're deaf and you're wearing mittens, how do you communicate?

Now that my friends have stopped watching wrestling,

I believe that we should start gassing audiences.

And the wrestlers, for that matter.

You can tell a business doesn't take itself seriously when they answer their phone with:

"Hello?"

Tomorrow I teach grade 5s.

How to have a nervous breakdown, probably.

You should see Steve's family photo for Christmas.

So adorable you could throw rocks at them.