WANTED IMMEDIATELY:
Telepathic secretary with at least two (two [2]) years telepathic experience. Duties are to include:
- close monitoring and observation of my inner monologue for the purposes of recording, filing and sorting said material.
- provide reminders for appointments, bills and any stuff my mom wants me to do once it becomes telepathically apparent that I have forgotten them.
- physical documentation of all seemingly good ideas that I may have, regardless of whether or not I am aware of them. A keen sense of discretion will be required to detect what may be deemed a 'good idea.'
- light telekinetic typing.
*Only applicants residing in this plane of existence need apply, please.
For those of you unable to read my mind, I have been on the job hunt lately.
'Selling myself' on a daily basis, I have dawdled about every manner of bordello and grocery store.
Someone's gotta need a stock boy somewhere.
I won't get into the particulars of my applications (as I'm paranoid the potential employers may Google me), but I think that it's going somewhat well.
I've had interviews. I've worn ties.
No one is orientating me yet, but it has only been two years.
I'm joking; it hasn't been that long.
I walked through a haunted corn maze last night.
Now, it was referred to as a 'haunted corn maze' on all of the road signs (which took a while to find).
Be that as it may, I'd like to deconstruct the name of the attraction a wee bit in case you're intending to go to Truro yourself to see it
(only to discover that it's not exactly in Truro, but is instead somewhere in the same province as Truro).
Firstly, it wasn't haunted like...Amityville Horror-haunted.
It was more like people-dressed-in-masks-jump-out-at-you-and-go-"Bah!"-haunted.
Further, it wasn't so much a maze as it was a path (which some would consider a portion [though certainly an important one] of a maze).
There was corn, though.
That part was right.
I dismantle, but it was pretty fun.
There were high school kids in masks rushing at us in the dark with chainsaws.
Operating chainsaws.
It was thought out and there were strobe lights.
Works for me.
I was embarrassed to find that though I wasn't frightened, necessarily, I was on edge somewhat.
I've always been a bit of a 'fraidy cat.
And the surprises about me reveal themselves again and again.
I was afraid of the dark for a long time.
And ghosts.
By ghosts, I don't mean I-ain't-afraid-of-no-ghosts.
I mean dead-people-I-may-or-may-not-have-once-known-ghosts.
The idea terrified me.
I have no idea why.
If anything, I should have found the idea of discovering a ghost comforting.
I've never been crazy about the idea of dying, either.
This would only support the notion of an afterlife, albeit an overly active and annoying one.
My shoes were full of mud and I found myself discussing what I liked about it once I was out of it.
This is activity.
This is fun.
I suppose I've been having fun lately.
I went to the maze with some of the missus' friends.
As you can likely guess current (former) friends, these people will all ultimately replace you.
That's not true.
They are pretty lovely, though.
It's good to be out. It's good to be doing stuff.
While I grasp the apple in my hand at the U-Pick farm, twisting 'til the snap, I understand that this is experiencing something.
This is normal.
She was with me in the maze as well, of course.
Clasping her hand in mine, both intertwined and stuffed into her friend's comfy sweater, we inched slowly through the dark.
Waiting for the come what may.
Lately, it has been coming and going.
Still I hold her hand.
I intend to keep doing so.
Sorry I've been out for a couple of weeks, guys.
I really have been handing out a lot of resumes.
Shaking hands. Holding eye contact.
Not only that, but my doppelganger and I have begun a new comedy room.
It may actually be something someday.
With any hope, a fire hazard (because it'll be full of people).
