Strap Yourself In

Don't have children; have affairs. 

It’s not the weekend anymore.

It was the weekend recently, and we’re all cognizant of that.

I’d prefer you not fret, though.

It will be the weekend again.

Do you practice any sort of escapist tactics while at work?

Like, do you try to trance yourself into believing that you’re actually in a jacuzzi?

Alright, that’s impossible.

I’m all for mentally projecting your psyche (especially [exclusively] at work).

But I have to curb my own philosophies here because no one can project themselves into a hot tub.

None of us have the mental wherewithal for that.

I feel as though someone or something is to blame for that.

Perhaps if we all threw our phones into the ocean…

It’s not true what that dead guy said.

There isn’t an app for that.

There are no apps for the things that are most important (foreplay).

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Myself, surely.

No matter how veiled, let’s not tiptoe the reason we’re all here:

We’re more interested in me than we should be.

Speaking of me, I bought a belt recently.

I had to retire my former belt because I stepped on it the exact wrong way.

And, poor at extrapolation, I assumed that all belts that looked like my old belt would behave like my old belt.

Looks can be deceiving.

I went into my favourite transitioning-to-adulthood clothing store, RW & Co.

I pick up this belt that has a metal flap sort of thing on it.

At a glance it looks like an airplane seat belt that isn’t thick enough.

And, like an airplane seat belt, I could have used a demonstration on how to use it.

I thought you had to lift the thingy and then clasp it down after passing the belt through (like the old belt, and surely all other belts).

This belt didn’t work that way, but I was too inept to realize that.

I’m turning it in my hands, pinching this, pulling that.

Like a monkey. Like a real monkey.

I’m doing this long enough to know that employees must be watching me by now.

Sure enough, I look up and two women are observing me rather frankly.

While I’m trying to coconut my way into this thing.

One of them begins to approach and I stop her, saying:

“No no, if I can’t figure out how to use it, I don’t deserve to have it.

Eventually, she explained the process to me.

Humbled and sweaty, I tried the belt on with a new, brash confidence.

Then I couldn’t get it off.

The clasp thingy had gotten stuck, and I couldn’t unstick it.

I’m pinching this, I’m pulling that.

Nothing is  budging.

And I’m thinking to myself, “I’m going to have to hold my waist up to the counter and have her scan this while it’s on me, and then walk out acting dignified.”

I fiddle with it long enough to know that the employees must be watching me again.

Sure enough, when I look up that's just what they're doing.

And they look more concerned this time.

I overhear one of them whisper to the other, “Do we have scissors?”

This is why I haven’t had sex with more women.

That exact question explains everything.

So, the nice lady comes back over.

Things are about to get airport security search unless I can bust myself out of this thing.

She hesitantly does a clasp grasp and gives it a little shake.

It’s just tough to figure out the next move, socially.

The three of us as are in this now.

“He can’t get out of this belt alone, but it's too close to his dick for us to help him.

What do we do?”

I said that I would have gotten my mom to come in and help, but she wasn’t in the mall.

Which I thought was a little funny, but they didn’t laugh.

It wasn’t until later that I surmised they weren’t laughing because they thought I was serious.

“Oh, usually his mom is with him to help. That explains it.”

I had to use my house key to eventually pry myself out of it.

Then I forgot my headphones on top of the clothing rack, knocked over my coffee with my backpack while turning to retrieve them, and then I promised the women I would never return to their store.

Then I bought the belt.

Because I could use the challenge in my life, and it cost eight dollars.

Good luck with your own struggles today.

Try not to over-exert yourself.