"The Best Imitation of Myself"

Get loaded, drop your pizza on the ground and then yell at your pizza.
It's Friday.

I've never been one for impersonations.
Much too self-absorbed, I never imitated classic cartoon characters when I was a kid.
I never attempted to hoarse myself like Krusty, or wallow like Milhouse.
Instead, even at a tender age, I had the sense to simply steal George Meyer's jokes.
Most comics have one impersonation under their belts, while others will array a dazzling plethora of them.
In my defense, however, and I've never spoken about this before, I actually do impressions flawlessly.
See, like most hidden talents, mine stems from a rare brain condition. 
Following a snowshovelling mishap, a brain injury causes my ears to interpret everyone's voice as my own.
My mother. My former teachers. The mailman.
Dogs bark and it sounds like me barking.
Therefore, whenever I impersonate someone, I do not alter my tone or cadence whatsoever.
Resulting in perfect-pitch impressions every time.
Of course, no one else realizes how talented I am.
None of you had a snowshovelling incident.
Neither did I, really.
That never happened.
For one thing, to experience a snowshovelling mishap, I'd first have to shovel snow.
I just wanted to include this fabrication for Ben's sake.