Lighter Stuff

Did you know there's a helium shortage right now?
Besides having to anchor all our zeppelins, stoned kids who want to speak in funny voices are left suckin' air.
I've never done that, y'know.
The helium-funny-voice thing.
I couldn't definitively say why that is.
However, I spend a lot of time thinking about myself, so I do have some theories.
Or, just variations on the one theory, I guess:
Balloons have always made me uncomfortable.
Not when they're wafting about in the tent at the retirement party, mind you.
Inflating them. Tying them. Popping them.
Balloon maintenance. Balloon stuff.
Puts me on edge.
I've only successfully blown up a balloon (from flaccid) perhaps 5 to 7 times.
Generally, I just puff my cheeks out until someone takes pity on me and blows it up themselves.
Shameful.
I also heard an urban legend about a woman who was startled while inflating a balloon and she accidentally sucked it into her mouth and suffocated.
That always stuck with me and I think it made me afraid to put balloons near my mouth.
This isn't a joke; I'm not making this up.
However, adulthood has taught me to face my urban legends.
So, I intend to do the funny voice.
Unfortunately, there's a helium shortage right now.
Inhaling it to sound like a clown's assistant seems rather brash in these hard times.
Aerial views at football games are in jeopardy.

Almost spelled football with a 'p' just now.
Phootball.
Phutball.

If no one's going to listen to scientists, why do we have scientists?
"This could puncture a hole in the ozone, resulting in melanoma and gross moles that require removal."
"Whatever, scientist. How do you suggest I use Raid without aerosol cans?
I'll take my chances, genius."
Sure, scientists develop formulas to make better hair conditioners, but their legitimacy seems wasted.
"Helium shortage? Whatever, scientist.
Wait! Let me degrade you with my funny helium voice."