Everyone fantasizing about sleeping with a co-worker? Good.
We've got the right atmosphere going here at Tragic Hero, then.
Prostitution is totally legal in some places.
These are the places I would most like to visit.
I've often thought about picking up a Japanese prostitute - just Japanese.
And it's not even like I'm into the whole Asian scene.
I mean, I'm not not into it, but I'm sure that any of us could say that.
We've all been to the Chinese buffet.
We've all been to the intimate massage parlor.
This is not racist. Stop thinking that it is.
Anyway, for those of you who have been fans since the beginning, you'll know that the Asians tend to be into me.
Which is fine.
None of this has to do with the prostitution thing.
Perhaps it's the appeal of the love hotel that actually fuels this bizarre, unaffordable fantasy.
I don't want to contract a sexual disease in Tokyo, I just want to spend a night in a structure shaped like a rocket ship.
Again, most of us could say that.
I think I'm a little more romantic than usual today because I've been listening to The Cars.
I've listened to little else, though.
I used to pride myself on pretending that I knew a bit about music.
It's nice to be able to feel superior to others for no good reason.
I worked at that music store.
I was a part of the scene, even if it was the machine part of the scene.
The scene's machine.
I used to just sit and listen to music.
These days, I spend fifty percent of my music time listening to the same videos from my YouTube playlist over and over.
The other fifty percent is spent listening to YouTube's goddamn ads.
No escaping them.
Ads.
Although I have no concrete notion of why, George Meyer is a hero of mine.
He once said that if he had a choice between ridding the world of nuclear war or advertising, he'd choose advertising.
Impassioned, I realized that I agreed with him as I read it.
Television commercials are one of those things that seem to affect me differently than everyone else.
Like, when I hear a television commercial I begin cursing immediately, and I try to find a way to stop it.
That's what I was getting at with ads on the Internet.
The Internet is slowly undoing TV (finally).
We have Netflix now. We have projectfreetv (not that I endorse it [obviously I endorse it, we all do]).
There are options that no longer involve a cable box.
You can still watch hillbillies shoot alligators with shotguns, and you don't have to DVR or schedule yourself around it.
And no ads!
Then they started adding ads.
Now there are just as many online as there are everywhere else.
I guess that's nothing new.
I mute commercials as soon as they come on.
All commercials, no matter what medium I'm watching them through.
It's one of those things that people find odd about me, while I find the opposite odd about everyone else.
My sister-in-law asks why I mute commercials and the only thing I can think to ask her is, "Why wouldn't I?"
Why wouldn't I?
What commercial am I going to hear that I need to hear?
I know the products.
KY Warming Sensation if I want to masturbate when the power goes out and there's no heat.
McDonald's if I want to fit in while feeling ashamed of myself.
Swiffer Dusters if I need to, inexplicably, clean the blades of my ceiling fan.
Who gives a shit? I don't need some voice actor from Toronto yelling at me about mutual funds while I'm eating a sandwich.
Do you?
And they're so goddamn loud.
The volume is jammed up four or five notches above whatever you considered a comfortable decibel to begin with.
Unnecessary loudness drives me crazy.
It's the reason I have a tough time in sports bars and grade seven classrooms.
Never mind the fact that they're everywhere.
Just think about how many commercials you have been fed so far in your life.
All adverts; not just TV. Print ads, radio ads. On-the-side-of-bus ads. All of them.
How many hundreds of thousands? That's the number you're probably looking at.
Hundreds of thousands of yammerings about Pokemon and fuckin' Sears outlets.
Now, how many more will you see before you die?
Really think about it.
It starts to make sense when you really think about it.
It's something that I never asked for, and I don't want it.
I might have to see them, but I'm not going listen to them too.
I'd love a job writing them, though.
Another thing I'd be good at if someone just gave me the chance.
Watch, I'll show you:
Hoping to lose your virginity on a date in Dad's van?
Tired of dirt not showing up on your car's paint job?
Or maybe you just really hate your wife.
Treat your car to smooth, refined Turtle Wax.
Only idiots get their cars professionally detailed.
Do it yourself with the shine that takes its time.
Turtle Wax.
See? We've all seen so many commercials we can write them ourselves.
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