"The eyes always seem to follow me."

Gotta get a haircut today.

I've been eating melon the past few days.
Makes my semen taste nice.
Presumably.
If Sue Johanson said it, I believe it.
Josh sat behind her on a plane, once.
If I was sitting behind Sue Johanson I'd try to get sexual info for free.
Turning to the guy sitting next to me, "What do you wash your penis head with, sir?"
(Shouting) "Cause, I understand that normal soap may not be wise to use.
I wonder if there's some sort of cream or lotion that would work better.
On my penis."
Then I'd wait.
See if she'd turn around and say something.
I bet she would.
If she didn't, I'd start kicking the back of her chair.

I'm not afraid of flying.
I'm afraid of crashing.
(Someone must have said this before.
Bet they didn't mean it as much as I do, though.)

My first "professional" show is tonight.
Which is just a professional word for "paid."
And that's the thing.
I've been paid before.
But they're going to put my picture up on the wall.
Probably in the bathroom.
Above the urinal.
I've lined up a pregnant woman to take some headshots for me.
I insist on only being photographed by pregnant women.
When I'm famous I'm going to be high maintenance.
"Is this supposed to be water? It tastes like piss!"
Splash it in the assistant's face.
If they do put my picture over the urinal, I know how I'll pose in the photo.
Looking down.