Monotone Deaf

I'm going to start learning country music songs.
But I'm concentrating solely on those songs that have spoken
intermissions at the bridge.
You know the tunes I mean.
The music gets quiet, and the singer says stuff that's introspective and deep, like:
"...Darlin'...I know you've moved on and now you're with...another man.
And all I can do is look at that old faded picture of you and me, and wonder...
Do you do that thing with your tongue with him..."
That sort of stuff.
I'm going to perfect songs like that.
Then I'm going to play them at parties.
Because I can't sing too well.
But I'm really good at speaking rhythmically.

Last night was the opening of comedy at The Levee.
It was okay.
I said onstage that we'd sink this place like we sank The Victory.
There were a great number of women there.
Women in dresses.
It was terrifying.
I kept making eye contact with one girl.
I had a key opportunity to speak with her at one point.
We were both trying to sneak out through the bathroom window at the same time.
I remained silent, though.
Thank God.
You have to look at it from my perspective.
What can I possibly say to this person?
That will make them think, "I should have sex with this guy after an appropriate grace period."
The idea is ludicrous.
"So, I'm not living with my parents right now."
Or:
"I use mouthwash regularly."