Coriolis Effect

I lack confidence.
Except when it comes to doubting myself.

If you're a really bad driver in the Northern Hemisphere...
...are you a really good driver in the Southern Hemisphere?

This is one of those posts that only exists because of the title.

"I just called to say..."

Feist sort of looks like Natalie Webber.
Natalie Webber was the first woman I ever kissed.
Of course, she was four at the time...
And she'll never forget it!

I've got stories!

First of all, Avril, this human I was undressing, I'm still undressing.
So that's something to mention, I suppose.
We spent the weekend together eating my mother's frozen food.
At my mother's house.
Well, we'd thaw it first.
Turns out she enjoys eating Mom's groceries as much as I do.
We rented Deathproof and put Baily's in our coffee.
Dad's Baily's.
Well, not Dad's, really.
The company's at Christmas time.

When you move and flail like me, it's only rational to be wary.
I'm wary of table saws, for example.
Edges of cliffs.
I'm violently wary of edges of cliffs.
And dropping things into the toilet.
I first began wearing glasses in grade six.
I've been nervous about dropping a pair into the toilet ever since.
I had my closest toilet scare yet.
Mom's cordless phone.
I know, I know.
"Why did I have the phone in the bathroom?"
(Originally wrote this as: "Why did I have the toilet in the bathroom?")
Have you heard of Matthew Esteves?
He insists that if I need to speak to him, I have to call him from there.
And I had to call him the other day.
To tell him that he's too demanding of me.
Bounced off of the seat.
It was terrifying.
I gasped and everything.

Alright, I'm gonna break this into some other posts.
So it looks like I haven't neglected the blog as much as I actually have.



edit: Doesn't it seem like Stevie's verifying there's an audience before he starts?
This guy's a pro.

Joke's on Me

Ah, April Fool's.
My favourite pagan holiday.
Next to Lilith Fair.
The only day when you can place saran wrap over someone's toilet bowl.
And they'll end up being 'okay with it.'
I'm actually rather bad at April Fool's.
It's right up there with juggling and showing up on time for things.
I get all excited when I try to fool someone of something.
Which is why I never bang business executives.
Because they ask me if I'm under 18, and I say that I am.
But then I get all giddy and I start giggling uncontrollably.
Ever place a prank call in junior high?
Like that.

I intend to buy a Playstation 3 today.
I chose today because it'll make the anniversary easier to remember.
Actually, I bought my original Playstation on a calendar day as well.
Hallowe'en of whatever year it was.
Dad drove me into St. John's just so that I could get it.
We withdrew all of my money, since interac was beyond our stink province at the time.
And then the Skylark broke down on Prince Phillip Drive.
For any mainland readers, this is easily one of the busiest streets in town.
Dad looked over the car and decided that the alternator was 'gone.'
I didn't care at this point because I already knew this was the first step.
In God's evil plan.
To stop me from getting my Playstation.
So, some man in a cab picked us up and drove us to Canadian Tire.
We returned to the 'Lark and replaced the alternator.
But the car still wouldn't start.
Then dad determined that it was the car's battery.
Period.
So, back to Canadian Tire.
Massive Duracel.
Then the car started.
The cab driver didn't charge us anything.
We got his name so that we could thank him somehow.
Later, dad called their office and told them about the guy.
About how he had driven us around town without charging us a dime.
He wanted the driver's address.
So that Dad could send him some crab's legs.
But the office guy told us that that cab driver had been dead for years.
He crashed his Buick Skylark on Prince Philip Drive on Hallowe'en night.
In 1835.
...
...
April Fool's!
The cab driver was alive.
He might be dead now, though.
He really did drive us around without charging us.
And I got the PSX and brought it home.
And played Metal Gear Solid.
Another Hallowe'en Miracle!

Hold. Fast.

I had intended to get bloodwork done today.
Not because I enjoy it, necessarily.
I just want to determine whether or not I have AIDS.
Or HIV.
Which, though it may not look it, actually spells AIDS.
I was just about to leave when I read over the little bloodwork checklist.
And I saw where Robert's dad had written, '12-hour fast.'
I just finished eating cheese.
Thinking to myself, "I'm gonna want something in my stomach before I go down there."
Tomorrow.
Maybe I'll pull it off tomorrow.

Don'd On Me

March is almost over, and I don't know how that's possible.
Were you guys around for March?
Where was I during March?

Imagine sitting next to Robin Williams on a long bus trip.

I have two separate phone numbers listed in my phone
With the name: Don.
One Don is my old landlord.
Who was a lovely man, but I have no reason to call him anymore.
But I can't delete his number because I don't know which 'Don' he is.
And I have no idea who the other Don is.
Oh, I literally just figured it out.
But the post is (mildly) funnier if I don't know who he is.
So, let's act like I'm as unaware as I typically am.
Nevermind.
It's ruined.
Yet another punchline foiled by my diamond-encrusted memory.

So I taught on Friday.
I went to look at tarantulas and ants on Thursday.
Taught on Friday.
I actually had a student call me 'goofy' while I was standing right in front of them.
While walking around the grade 9 class, I overhear:
"...he's kinda goofy lookin.'"
I wouldn't have known the difference.
Until her friend said, "He's standing right there."
So...
"I'm sorry, did you...did you just call me 'goofy' while I'm standing right in front of you?"
She's laughing with her head down the whole time.
I'm far more accustomed to being humiliated than she is.
It's embarrassing for her, and that makes it A) okay, and B) fun.
"I'm used to people calling me goofy, but at least do it when I'm not in ear shot.
Please. That's just common courtesy."
I also caught a grade 8 student calling me "that nerdy teacher."
(I really did)
But that's another story.

Remember when soap was good enough?
I remember when soap was good enough.
You might have been playing with your buddies at the dump.
Or rolling around in the chicken gizzards outside of the poultry factory.
When you got home, you washed your hands with soap (only because Mom made you).
And then you were fine.
Lick the rib sauce off of your fingers.
You washed your hands with soap.
Remember that?

Paisan

I had a lovely weekend with Sandra Bantalligni and Tony Venditti.
Italian names stress me out because I know that some of the letters are silent.
I'm just not sure which ones.
Also, 'i' can make a bunch of different sounds.
And there's always so many of them in Italian names.
Anyway, besides the culture shock, the shows were cool.
I'm going to take all of the rubies and sapphires I was paid with so that I can buy some Ritz crackers.

I wrote these while I was unable to nap in the 'green room':

Many children weeping
Intestines; broken canines
Raining cats and dogs

Pedigree dog food
Formally ground up horse parts
Mocking the food chain


I suppose these were inspired by the pet supply shop next door.

Oh. Meaghan Whelan came to the show on Saturday.
She sat in a booth.
I'm mentioning this because she reads the blog.
And now there's a stray endorphin or two floating around in her brain
Because she's seeing her name in print.
Which everyone enjoys.
Except for escaped convicts, I suppose.
Actually, perhaps they enjoy it the most.
Anyway, this could be you, too!
Only costs about twenty bucks, plus whatever drinks you happen to have at the show.

Off My Chest

You know, you really don't realize how much chest hair you have until you run your fingers through it while you wait for the drier to finish its' cycle.

Apprenticeship

Living with Bussey and Miranda has concluded.
At least, for now.
I learned a great deal of adult things while living with them.
For example, Air Miles don't translate into actual miles.
It's a point system.
Sort of like Weight Watchers.
Also, RRSP's are not a sort of lottery for old people.
Which is what I had always assumed.
I still don't know what the letters stand for, though.
And I learned that you can do things on time occasionally.
And that's okay.
Finally, I learned that Dave's Chicken and Wing Sauce needs a better advertising campaign.
Frank's Red Hot is for adolescents.

I don't follow Internet and Youtube fads.
For the same reason that I don't jerk off onto my Pog.

If you know the song, this cover is fantastic:

Drunk on Power

Like the new colour?
Too bad!
I'm the only one who knows the password!

Home Tweet Home

I know I said that I was just 'going for cigarettes'.
And that that was over a week ago.
But before you hurl the lamp at me.
The saucers, the fire extinguisher, hear me out.
I was removed from internet contact during my final week in Harbour Breton.
I'm not there now.
I'm in my parents' rec room.
I was born here. I'll die here.
So, there's that.
Then I had my obligatory rummage through dad's liquor cabinet.
I was hammered for a couple of days, and I'm only bouncing back now.
So put the lamp back on the end table.
It's the touch lamp I got your for your birthday.
Remember?
I got the day wrong, and you said, "I don't want your fuckin' touch lamp."
So I sat outside and plugged it into the house and kept touching it.
Until you let me back in.
Remember?
We can get past this.

Starting now.
Lose your driver's license and wife.
It's St. Paddy's Day.

So I'm making small talk and dressing nice in the schools I grew up in.
The teachers get older and balder, but I'm still Mike's youngest.
I don't know if they're going to call me or not.
If they do, it will no doubt catch me off-guard.
Not much of an accomplishment, really.
The calendar catches me off-guard on a regular basis.
Days of the week.

I have a show at Yuk's this weekend.
And for once I'm advertising myself.
Somewhat.
Oh!
Speaking of which.
I joined Twitter today.
I still feel like taking a shower after I say it, but I guess that will pass.
I checked their frequently asked questions to find out when it will pass.
But there was nothing there.
I joined primarily to track video game developers.
But if I can figure out how to integrate this into the blog somehow, I might.
Anyone know how I might go about doing that?
Peter's drunk for the Doha Paddy's Day celebrations.
So we'll ask him later.

You're officially an adult the first time that you say to yourself:
"Oh shit, I just swept that!"
A salary has nothing to do with it.

Alright.
I'm going to go pinch some people not wearing green.
Only day you can get away with it.

A Losing Battle

Run away from home.
It's Friday.

So I've been absent for a week.
I was in the Galapagos for a while.
Riding the turtles.
Cataloging the finches.
But I'm back now.
With many new and exotic pets (my favourite sort).
Which my mother will most likely disapprove of.

My mother and I were having a discussion recently.
Christa had nearly been accosted by a Jehova's Witness, you see.
So mom and I were talking about religiosity.
And the tendency of religious people to get married while extremely young.
"Because they want to have sex with one another.
But they're not allowed to until they get married.
So they get married when they're like, eighteen, so they don't have to wait anymore.
No matter what a religion says mom, people are gonna want to have sex with each other.
You can't fight instinct."
"Well, young people don't seem to be fighting very hard."
My mother.
Two points.

My trip to Halifax was relatively rad.
I drank beer at a blues bar with Scott Pickup.
That was Thursday.
The weekend could only get better after that.
I watched a xylophone soloist.
He wore a sport jacket and played that song from The Wedding Singer.
Not that one.
I ate a great deal of seafood and ogled hotel staff.
I went card shopping with Derek Seguin.
And we watched the hockey game.
He'd shout things whenever Canada scored.
We smoked in the hotel room and I acted like I wasn't nervous about it.
As a Frenchman and a Newfie walking into a bar, we were very close to being a joke's setup.
Here's a clip of him. Though he's not hairy enough in it.