"How Much Time Am I Doing?"

How's it going?
It's great to be here!
I just flew in last night
All the snacks cost too much
Wrote jokes about the flight

My room's AC was on the fritz
My eggs fried on their own
They 'fixed it'--now it won't shut off
I haven't thought of home

I go out to help get warm
Come in to help cool down
I've paced the lobby twenty times
There's no one else around

I wake late morning, nap at four
Dinner's at one a.m.
The other comics have bigger rooms
At least I'm making friends

Did a podcast, played some rooms
Put beer on someone's tab
Flew out twice at the cock's crow
Paid too much for a cab

My iPod is my new best friend
My TV's my new dad
Super Sexe has my new gals
Perhaps I'll do their ads.

I don't know what I'm doing here
Or how I got this pass
All the others know so much
They must think I'm an ass

I just spit it when I'm on the mic
And pray there's some applause
Hope the dudes will clap their hands
As girlfriends throw their bras

All the pros are so damned smooth
Seven hundred's no big deal
Maybe one day I'll be them
How fucked would that feel?

I'll try to shmooze with Jimmy Carr
The boys from SNL
If I don't throw up in their drink
I'll say that 'it went well'

The scariest are 'the industry'
Who know the whys and whos
Make me the next gillionaire
In 'The Hangover 2'

I try to take it all in stride
And wear my stupid shirts
If they happen to not dig my ways
They'll get their just desserts

Go over new lines. Eat something light
Then get in the shower
I have another show to do
My car comes in an hour