Here & Vow

That's it.
I can't watch any more footage of people injuring themselves while trying to pour buckets of water on their head.
It would appear I don't have much going on, but there has to be something that would be a better use of my time.
Perhaps I'll wash the dog...
While I'm unkinking the hose, read the remainder of Colin's Marriage Chronicles, for those of you who still give a damn:

The wedding did, in fact, happen.
Nothing really went awry.
The babies made a lot of noise and fussed about and so on, but anyone who has been to a decent wedding or Christmas Eve church service has seen this before.
The maid of honor did forget Colin's ring, but that was glazed over with a lot of sitting around and murmured discussion.
After what seemed like a fair amount of time for the groomsmen to just be standing there, I managed to draw attention to myself, getting on the mic, saying:
"Umm, we just have a brief delay while the women find the rings. Remain patient, all of you will still have plenty of time to object."
I'm not sure all of mom's friends got it.
He did okay, the fussy codger.
Colin really dislikes public speaking (he also dislikes being mentioned in blogs), but he did pretty well.
No flubs along the way.
I know that I tend to not get nervous about this sort of thing.
And I know that I haven't been married.
But I've heard a lot of dudes say that their biggest fear is messing up the vows.
Even though you repeat after the priest, and he really breaks the sentences up quite a bit:
"I, Paul..." "I, Paul..." "Craig Warford..." "...Huh? Craig Warford..."
That sort of thing.
How badly can you fuck up the vows?
It's not like you're going to come out on the other side married to your mother.
"I knew this would happen! That's why I told you and Dad to sit in the back! Now I'm married to both of you and the whole day is ruined!"
Just take your time when you're doing your vows, kids. You'll be okay.
The photo shoot was tricky.
Oh, sure, the photographer and her assistant both had very charming bodies and asses and so on, and it'd be great to see the two of them enjoy a hottub together, but the day was too warm.
And Colin hates getting his picture taken (noticing a trend?).
By this time, I was very out of sorts because I hadn't slept the night prior (I love doing this for major family events), and I hadn't napped.
Also, acting as the MC, it was relatively unwise to drink, so I was getting pretty contrary.
Not as contrary as old wedding pants, though.
He really wanted to get out of the limo, send...Eddie? Was that the driver's name?
Anyway, send Eddie on his way, and get started on supper.
That's what Colin wanted.
We stopped at several locales, and the lack of communication between limoist and photographer was complicating things slightly.
Sending him out to stand on a cliff edge for half an hour likely didn't help Colin's mood.
And, Flynn, who is a wedding veteran, wasn't helping during the sojourns between shoots when he'd tell Charlotte, "You're never going to use these pictures. Do you think you're putting a photo of us all doing shots on your mantle? This is all a big waste of time."
We peed in a governement house and went to the reception.
We were half an hour late and everyone was waiting to eat.
Showtime!
I did great. I'm available for all of your weddings, should you need me.
No matter how many times you get married!
The speeches were whatever and the turkey was pretty good. They had a glaze on the carrots.
Then we danced and that's another couple who are now one another's emergency contact.
The tradition lives on.
Colin was smiling a lot. Everyone commented.
Despite himself, he was having a lovely time.
Andie and I represented the young, unattached heathens that everyone else longed to be once more.
Some were overheard to say that if we got married, they would attend the ceremony, whether they were invited or not.
I have only one thing to say to these crashers:
I hope you like skydiving.
Because if we do get married, the whole goddamn thing is going to be one skydive after another.
That's the theme.
Wedding shower (whatever the hell that is)? Skydive.
Bachelor/Bachelorette parties? Skydive.
We'll be throwing the cake and all of the gifts out of the plane on their own little parachutes.
At first, we considered scuba diving (as a play on "taking the plunge"), but you can't fit a tuxedo under the wet suit.
So, skydiving.
We hope you get the chance to...drop in!
You get that one?!
Anyway, it was a helluva wedding.
Too bad I'm out of unmarried brothers now.