Butterface OR "Wouldya?!"

Avril helped me realize:
Ugly Betty was only ugly until that first season started getting ratings.
Filthy TV.
Remember Temptation Island?
Exactly.
Temptation Island is a disgusting show.
Unless it's aired uncensored.
In Australia.
Then it's a great show to watch every Thursday with your roommate.
Charlie (Chaz) and I would watch it every week.
We'd eat ice cream bars and yell things at the TV.
We used to play this nifty walking game called 'Wouldya.'
It just involved objectifying women.
Which is the sort of game guys begin to play in their early twenties.
Continuing until they die.
Sometimes, if Chaz was feeling cheeky, he'd say it and nod towards an old woman.
I'd do the same thing sometimes.
But with pre-pubescent girls.

He and I lived with three other males.
That's a lot of testosterone in one house.
I wasn't contributing any.
But still.
We had a cereal box among our cardboard recycling.
That had been there long enough to not only:
Contain a spider + web, but,
Contain a spider + web that had flies in it.

If Jon got angry enough, he would give you 'The Chop.'
Which would involve chopping you with his hand.
Against your sternum.
He wouldn't give me The Chop, though.
He considered me too fragile.
Though I was nervous that day he found out I'd shaved my testicles in the upstairs bathroom.

I used to love startling Chaz.
It was really easy to do.
Sometimes I'd stand in front of the closed bathroom door.
While he showered.
So close that my nose would be touching the wood.
And I'd wait there, sometimes for five, ten minutes.
Looking back, my grades weren't as bad as they could have been.
I tried to startle Matty once while he was studying.
It was a one-time thing because he very nearly punched me in the face.
Not because I had pissed him off.
Just because Matty Blair lashes out when he's startled.
I can still remember him relieved and cautionary:
"Holy fuck, guy. I came so close to fuckin' hitting you just then."

One time we stole Josh's car to drive to the corner store.
Which was, inconveniently, not on the corner.
Josh liked his car more than he liked us.
Who'd of thought we'd end up passing him on the street?
He was drunk and it was winter.
So he wasn't as angry because we gave him a ride home.

We had some charming inside jokes, alright.
The time that Jon put Chaz through our coffee table (while drunk).
The time we threw cinamon hearts at Josh.
That time Matty Blair whipped a baby tomato at my head.
This is how hard he threw it:
When it hit the window next to me, seeds landed on my face.
I didn't care.
I was playing video games at the time.

But, sadly, after enough time passes, these people just don't seem the same to you anymore.
They get jobs.