Unchained Felony

What a productive day I had.
I completed two assignments.
Including the bibliographies.
I flirted with women in the faculty.
I played a Hello Kitty Squier Stratocaster.
I ate balanced meals.
I washed dishes.
I knocked over a bank.
Got three money bag sacks full of gold duckets.
I met someone's mother (which can sometimes be harrowing).
And I wrote you this song:



I ended up giving it to The Righteous Brothers.
Because they helped me change a tire.
Maybe someday I'll play it for you.

Bone Chyna

I can't wait until I'm famous enough to be not that famous anymore.
Because that will be my prime opportunity to release a sex tape.
Which, despite mixed reviews, will manage to shame my mother outright.
I'm going to call it, Bent Over the Stove: Warford's Nearly Broke.
Because I just thought of that title, and I don't believe I'll ever think of a better one.
If people will watch Dustin Diamond's, they'll watch mine.
We once shared a moniker, after all.
Who'd of thought that you could release a film of some guy steering a boat with his dick.
And end up dating Kid Rock?
He's rock & roll's Jesus, for Christ's sake.
All I want is a reality show on E!
I want a shot at the title belt.
The only question is who my 'then girlfriend' in the video will be.
So let me ask you this:
How do you feel about the limelight?

You know, I've been keeping this blog for what must be at least a few months now.
And this post has had some of the most uncomfortable Google searches yet.
If you have a heart murmur I'd steer clear of the above links.

He died for our sins, y'know.
Our rock & roll sins.
Such as that brief period in high school when you thought Fred Durst was cool.

Exceedingly Early

I went to the wrong class today.
Well, that is to say, I went to the right class.
At the wrong time.
Since I thought I was a moment or two late as it was, I wasn't surprised to see a fully seated class.
And the prof matched the mugshot.
But as soon as I sat I had a mounting feeling that I was going to have to write a blog post about this.
Because everyone was looking at me.
And there were whispers.
Giving up, as I do, I tapped the guy in front of me.
I didn't even have to ask.
"You're an hour late for class," he hissed.
That's when I relaxed.
Because I knew that that wasn't right.
As it turns out, I was half an hour early, and in the wrong slot.
It's not a class that I bother with too often.
It has a nasty tendency of cutting into my nap time.

Unfulfilled Rolls

I took the LSATs the other day.

Because I felt like miserably failing something.

As it turns out, I scored in the 91st percentile.

Just goes to show you:

I can't do anything right.

I can't roll my 'Rs'.

I can't roll joints.

I haven't tried rolling logs, but I bet you a damn I'm awful at it.

Now. Who was raised by their TVs?

Yes, I'm bad at a lot of things, alright.
But I'm great at digesting food.
I'm good at letting my pancreas operate independently.

Counting Sheep

Question:

A farmer has 20 sheep.
All but 7 perish in a tsunami.
How many remain?
Tick tock tick tock grains of sand are falling.
Time's up!
Answer?

Enough for a decent barbecue.
You bring the briquettes and I, as always, will bring the mesquite.

I just walked around Chapters for half an hour, waiting for some book to entice me.
But then she went on break, so I just bought whatever was at arm's length.
This was the fortunate selection:

The shittiest job I ever had?
Working at Kentville Publishing which was, not that it matters, located in New Minas.
This is what New Minas looks like according to God:
We had to collate.
If you're like me, you act like you know what collating means because you've heard it so many times.
But you don't really know.
It's stuffing fliers into newspapers.
It doesn't deserve its own term.
One day a group of us were collating.
We had some people there on their first shift.
The place had what you might call turnover issues.
And I'm watching this guy standing across from me.
Because no one is saying anything, and he's clearly getting antsy.
"Is this collating?" He was likely thinking to himself.
Suddenly he goes, "Pff, fuck this!" He punches out his time card, and leaves.
It was beautiful.
Which was nice.
Because there aren't many opportunities for beauty in New Minas.

Why is it that some songs just make more sense when you're stoned?
Are you stoned right now?
All of us can tell.

Something to Chew On

Why would you buy your own dog a squeek toy?
Sure, it's entertaining for the dog.
We assume.
But the dog also finds eating its own feces entertaining.
Along with burying your handguns and brass knuckles.
"Honey! Have you seen my 9 millimeter?
No, I checked the basket with all of the keys in it.
No, the kids don't have it.
What the-Rover, you asshole!"
So why indulge him?
Besides, maybe the dog is spending time with the toy because he wants to silence it.
He's pissed at you for buying it.
"Fuck, this thing makes the same noise as the last one."
You wouldn't purchase a car alarm that doesn't turn off.
It's the most raucous noise you could purposefully fill your home with.
At least until the baby comes.

Contextual

A text message conversation that I held yesterday.
Presumably with a stranger.
With these new business cards of mine, the possibilities are rather limitless.

Them: I want you
Me: A lot of people do.
Them: I saw you at yuk yuks You are so hot
Me: You must not have been sitting very close.
Them: Sure i was your crazy
Me: Oh, I bet you say that to all the comics.
Them: No no just the cute ones ;)
Me: I'm sweaty.
Them: So...Are you currently seeing anyone?
Me: I see people all of the time, but i'm not having sex with any of them.
Them: Lol really?
Me: Really. No sex. No heavy petting either.

Then they didn't write back.
In the long run it doesn't matter.
Their grammar and punctuation are awful.
Still, it's a nice change from the texts that the b'ys send me about their scrotums and bowel movements.

Jacked

If I didn't want people looking at my ass, I wouldn't wear assless chaps.
Know what I mean?
What a day.
I'm running on fumes right now.
Jam it in neutral at the top of big hills.
Speaking of Buicks I drive, someone broke into our car on Duckworth.
Well, they jimmied it, I suppose.
Everything is intact and the doors were locked.
But they got in there.
Joke was on them, of course.
I own nothing of value.
Score one for the good guys.

"I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars."

I'm pretty full of burger.
So don't expect a lot out of me.
In fact, that's a good rule of thumb regardless of what I have ingested.
Turpin and I have a presentation tomorrow.
I'm not sure of all of the details yet, but I know that it involves me in women's clothing.
And a photo shoot in Lottie's.

I had coffee with Whealn a few days back.
Did I mention that?
I like Whelan because she reads books.
Also, she shows up at the campus book store after it has closed.
Which is something that I would do.
And I'm crazy about me.

A Golden Oppurtunity

Sometimes I see mothers buying hand sanitizer in line at the grocery store.
And I can't help but wonder:
Do any of these women happen to enjoy being pissed on?

Cause piss is full of germs.

"So bring me two Pina Coladas..."

Think of history's greatest oppressors.

Now think of how much less intimidating they must have looked in the morning.

Castro walking around with his robe lazily swishing back and forth.

While he pours coffee into his mug that says:

LIFE STARTS AT 50!

Or Stalin reading the morning paper (that he reviewed before its printing) with a cowlick.

Eating a grapefruit.

Ayatollah Khomeini accidentally burning his toast.

Before he heads out for the morning hangings of the infidels.

I bought pina colada flavoured lubricant yesterday.

In case I run out of money and I have to drink it.