Starved for Attention

I lost a cell phone charger and a book over the weekend.
I gained some fees in the process, though.
Borrowed book replacement fees, for example.
So things all balance out in the end.
Like when you avoid food poisoning while on a resort weekend trip.
But you smash into a cliff face while parasailing.
Like that.

I did some free shows this weekend with the wonderfully supple Peter White.
Peter White is like the Halifax version of me.
Except he's attractive (maybe) and he's a working comic.
He and I and Avril tried to go to a reptile exhibit.
But it had a lineup like an Alicia Keys concert.
With the addition of a plethora of wiener children.
We said, "Thanks, but no thanks."
If I feel like going nowhere while surrounded by youths, I'll teach.

I made a new friend last week.
A new vegan buddy of mine.
I mentioned something about eating food.
As a carnivore.
And he asked me: "Is that how you like your food?
You enjoy stabbing it and watching it bleed out?"
I responded by grabbing a nearby kitchen knife and chasing him around the room with it.
The meat I eat is purchased in cellophane-wrapped packaging.
I don't give a shit about whatever hormones or steroids or Maybelene makeup was put on or into the meat before I eat it.
Because the same things are being injected into the red and green peppers that I buy.
Any animals I consume aren't going to do anything for me or the rest of us.
It wasn't a swine that cured Polio.
And people say meat-eaters are the aggressive ones.
While riding in a car with Turpin they passed a cyclist.
He yelled from the window, "Thanks for riding a bike!"
My new friend didn't realize that homie was probably riding a bike in the first place because he was charged with a DUI within the past year.
When I pass someone riding a bike I yell at them, "Go back to China!"
Feels more appropriate.
Joke's on this emaciated bigot, though.
Because I stole the little link of bicycle chain that he inexplicably wore on a string around his neck.
He probably removed it from some bike that he used to date.
I tell people that the link is from a larger bike chain I used to use.
When I was in a gang (my idea).
A gang called 'The Bats'.
Because they attack everyone with bats (Turpin's idea).
I was the black sheep of the group because I used a bicycle chain.
I wear it around my neck to remember my criminal glory days.
We used to primarily dent the hoods of cars.
And kill old people, eating their raw flesh.