What A Party!

The following men will be in my wedding party for the following reasons:

Robert Shandera will be in my wedding party because he consistently passes up the oppurtunity for sex in order to play video games with me. If the shoe were on the other foot, this would not be the case.
The shoe would not be on my foot. Because I would be undressed. Having intercourse.
Robert's mother fed me more than my own mother.
Robert (and this is a big one) introduced me to pornography.
I have never looked back.

Peter Russell will be in my wedding party because he taught me everything bad. Whatever bad things that I have done in my lifetime, I have done because I learned them from Peter. Except for swearing. I learned that my brothers. And Eddie Murphy.
My mother and I had an argument one morning before school as to whether or not Peter Russell was a bad influence on me.
He was suspended from school that day for calling his teacher a 'stupid bitch'.
Was that the line?
I guess mom was right.
Peter also looks good in a suit.

Kirk Bussey will be in my wedding party because he once drove around the bay in a snowstorm so that I could have sex with someone.
This is a friend.
Kirk remembers everything I forget.
Kirk was the sole reason my application to the Memorial Faculty of Education arrived on time.
It is also not his fault that I did not meet the requirements for said application.
That was me.
Kirk and I discovered the particulars of underage drinking side by side.
That sex weekend I just mentioned?
Bussey helped me dislodge his car from some tenacious ice in a glazed-over parking lot, so that I could engage in some foreplay.
Same girl.
Same visit home.
Seperate snowstorm.

My brother Colin will be in my wedding party because he will end up building most of the things in my house.
He protected me from Brian.
Colin got me drunk for the first time.
Technically, it was Trevor Luedee. But Colin laughed at me just as much.
He trusted me to steer the jeep while he smoked as he drove me to piano lessons, despite my being twelve.
Whenever I was hungover at fifteen, he would never tell my parents.
He would just make fun of me.

My brother Brian will be in my wedding party because I read his books when he wasn't reading them.
Brian taught me to be afraid of him.
The first time I ever stood up for myself, it was against Brian.
I threw a box of Purity crackers at him and told him to "Fuck off!"
He made me pick up the crackers.
Brian didn't really mind when I vomitted in his apartment on his 22nd birthday and prevented his female friends from using the bathroom. He let me pass out in his friend's porch, using their shoes as a pillow.
Whenever I was hungover at fifteen, he would never tell my parents.
He would just make fun of me.

Sarah Turpin will be in my wedding party because it is the only way I can avoid marrying her.
She and I will emcee the event in tandem.

That's the rundown.
You're all invited.
All I need now is a wife.
With huge tits.