Who's the Fairest of Them All?

You know what's depressing?
How these Chilean miners are getting so much press time.
And I can't get on NTV.
They're heroes, y'know.
Every one of them.
The engineers who came up with the contraption to get them out are not, mind you.
What did they do?
But these guys who were in the mine.
They went without internet for a long time.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah!
You know what's depressing?
When I look at my behind in the mirror.
While I wait for the shower to heat up.
I never look in mirrors, to be honest.
It's commonplace for me to show up (late) with toothpaste still on my face.
Or shaving cream in my ear.
I don't know why it is that I never look into mirrors.
I'm appropriately meek about my appearance, I guess.
Ashamed.
Appropriately ashamed.
That, and I'm afraid that if I look at a mirror for too long...
...Well, you know...
I'm afraid that Bloody Mary will pop out of there.
And yell, "Cocktails!"
Then she'll get loaded, refuse to leave, and dad will have to drive her home.