Buy As You Might

You think you have a handle on what has always been your struggling masculinity...
...Then you one day select, order and purchase spectacle frames identical to your girlfriend's.
The only difference being that mine aren't covered in semen.
Too far!

So Christmas is over and Fridays will now fade to lighter and lighter grays.
Until they become Black again.
And we all know a Good Friday is a Black Friday.

 

I apologize if this clip turns into a Rick roll halfway through.
I couldn't check the content because I could only stomach about eight seconds of it.

People initiating the first fistfights of their lifetimes at the age of 50.
Over a toy no one will give a shit about come May.
"Tickle Me Who?"
Perhaps you pause from being a shitty parent long enough to watch the news.
"And that, researchers say, is the most Mariah Carey ever vomited.
I have to interrupt the broadcast ladies and gentlemen.
I've just been handed this bulletin:
There are no Furbies remaining in Delaware.
Scott, get it up on the ticker.
Everyone, once more:
Delaware's Furby stocks have been depleted."
If you live in Delaware (pity), maybe you make promises within your boundaries.
Santa is magical.
Come up with a magical excuse.
"Santa may not be able to bring you a Furby this year, sweetheart.
He Skyped me and told me that he wants to make a special Furby just for you.
It's like the others, but this one grows its hair back after you give it a haircut"
(Kids love that).
You were lying to them in the first place.
Stretch it and avoid that hustle and bustle.
Get them the newest Foo Fighters album.
By next year they'll have forgotten what a Furby is.
I'm using toy references from eleven years past because I don't know any current ones.
Besides Modern Warfare 3.
And don't get me started on that.
 Back when the Furbies and Elmos were just marginally more topical.