Usually It's My Foot

Clean the bathroom before your girlfriend shows up.
It's Friday.
Avril arrives in Halifax within the next few hours.
Right now, she's scrambling to pack everything she needs before her flight.
We're similar in a lot of annoying ways.

Speaking of crossing sexual boundaries, I put a condom onto a dildo last night.
With my mouth.
I was doing a show at Rodeo (Roe-Day-Ohs) for what may have been a dozen people.
It was arduous. It was an arduous performance.
But the Sexygirls were there.
So that was great.
They sell sexy girl items to sexy women, and less than sexy women also, probably.
Anyway, one sexy girl sat next to myself and Brian Aylward after we had finished humiliating ourselves onstage.
'Humiliate' is a strong word.
But we certainly degraded ourselves up there somehow.
When you're telling jokes and you can plainly hear the machine that makes the ice, that's bad.
She smelled nice and she was one of the few people in the room who had paid any attention to us all night.
And she's asking me to put this condom on this phalace.
She wanted me to do it onstage (I would have, just to take a break from speaking for a minute), but hesitated to ask me.
I hate to let down my fans.
She lists the flavours of the condoms, but I know that they're all lubricant-flavoured.
But I take grape anyway.
Grape is my go-to.
If you're wondering which Wine Gum to save me, save me the grape.
I realize as I'm getting ready to do this that the fake penis is almost exactly proportionate to my real one.
In an unsettling way.
You don't want the stripper to look like your cousin, you know what I mean?
Well, maybe you do want that.
Actively search for it, even.
But you see my point.
I'm committed, though. There's no getting out of this now.
I get it on. I know what I'm doing.
But I definitly didn't enjoy the experience.
I walked away having discovered something else that I'm probably not good at:
Blowing men.

The trick is to suck in on the condom, so you don't lose it out of your mouth.

Book your Sexy Parties now, ladies!
While your incompetent husbands are chopping down Christmas trees.