Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Two of the following three things have recently happened to me:

Thing the First:

While eating breakfast, a UPS truck pulled up in front of my house.
As the guy walked towards my door, I said, "Whatever this package is, it's my destiny."
For some reason, in-line skates immediately came to mind.
Like I'm supposed to put on roller blades and then do something with them.
As he approached my step, he double-checked my address, cursed, turned, and got back in his truck.
Then he drove away.
I wouldn't mind, but he does that every morning...

Thing the Second:

The tail end of the continental, I'm in the Best Western (Liverpool) of a Sunday morning.
And this kid is giving me the eye.
Sometimes children just stare at me.
Urchins stare. That's normal.
However, sometimes it seems a little too deliberate to me.
This small person was giving me the look-over, but as she's doing so, I'm telepathing to her:
"You and I both know that you're old enough to know that staring is inappropriate.
Unless your father, who looks stupid, by the way, hasn't taught you that yet."
But she knew what was up. I could tell.
Self-conscious, I go to get juice from the dispenser.
Apple, nothin'. Orange, nothin'. Cranberry (surprisingly), nothin'.
Then, Little Miss Ocular sidles up beside me and reaches for a tumbler.
"I'm not sure we're getting juice today," I warn.
But I wasn't pressing the dispenser button properly.
There was lots of juice.
She didn't address me in any way.

Thing the Third:

I invited, drove, and intoxicated a fellow comic on this Liverpool trip.
Eventually, I had a conversation with this man that involved ordering him not to have sex with a 48-year old woman in my hotel bed.
Which was also his hotel bed (his angle for the argument).
Really, he could have gotten away with it.
I would have simply slept in the bathtub.
Strictly for the sake of hygiene, you understand.
Luckily, it didn't end up happening.
Ultimately, her daughter got in the way of the whole operation.
And I never got to thank her.

There you have it, readership.
So, which of these stories are based in fact, and which are utter bullshit?
This is like the jelly beans.
How many jelly beans are in the jar?
You act like you really know the answer while you write your blind guess on a scrap of paper.
But you don't really know because any guess seems plausible.
With good reason; they all happened to me.