A Close Shave

This post was in fact originally written in April of this year. 
It was never posted because I was concerned that my seeming lack of sensitivity contained within would complicate my search for sex. 
At least, I think that's why I didn't post it. 
It was April, after all. I can't really remember back that far. 
But it certainly seems like a likely motivation. 
I'm having sex now, so I'm no longer conflicted. 
Err...proceed: 

Sometimes I can still surprise myself.
This story will be irritating to type out, but here we go.

Del was in town.
Now, you don't know who Del is, but that's okay.
He's a great man.
Has a valley bulldog named Floyd.
He recently got himself a pair of loafers, which is what I have been thinking about buying for my own feets lately.
On this particular night he said, "I never thought shoes could be like this."
That's how excited he is about his new footwear.
They were amazing
(edit: I've since bought a pair of the exact same model of shoes).
None of this matters.
In fact, Del doesn't even really require mentioning to tell this story.
But sometimes it's nice to get new people involved.
We'll let him know that he's in here.
He watched me punch Josh in the face one time.
Josh is more important to the story.

Nostalgia.
Weed.
Del leaves.

Josh and I go to The Lion's Head for karaoke.
They elected to bypass a comedy night there in favour of a third (third!) weekly karaoke night.
Which immediately made sense when we got there.
People everywhere.
We grab a table with some wasted woman and Michelle.
It was Michelle's birthday.
She also isn't important to this story.
And I don't know her last name.
But I'm sure that she's important to someone.
She wants to have a baby soon.
Anyway!
Josh and I go to get some beer.
We run into four women who are together.
Fun-loving and not interested in fitting in, one of them is doubled over in the middle of the room.
The others are yammering and cajoling.
They're being loud, but it's largely going unnoticed in the loud bar.
Turns out she has the hiccoughs.
Her friend with the hideous haircut explains this to us.
The 'do sort of has a punk thing going on. Mid-eighties, maybe (I don't know).
It's all shaved on one side.
We make chitchat and then Josh and I have the same conversation about women we've been having for a decade.
Hiccoughs come over and starts rubbing Josh's face (cause he has a beard, I guess).
Josh isn't impressed because he wouldn't be impressed by someone doing that.
And I could tell he wasn't attracted to Hiccoughs immediately.
I assume that I'm not either.
But I'm bothered that she's paying attention to Josh and not myself.
I'm the interesting one.

Time marches on.

We go back for more beer.
Haircut is there with another friend or two.
Now, bear in mind that she started it.
Haircut asks Josh if he wants to commit suicide like her.
Which is odd, isn't it?
Now, she's not saying this Criminal Minds.
It's more jovial than that.
She's just fucking around.
But still.
Who says that to someone?
Like rubbing his face, Josh isn't impressed, and mutters a response.
Feeling responsible, I say, "Not as much as you do, probably."
She giggles and says, "Yeah, I want to commit suicide pretty badly."
So I say, "That explains the haircut."
...
Then Josh makes this face and noise that suggest I shouldn't have said that out loud.
And Haircut is angry.
Silent from then on, we go and sit.
They're at a nearby table, and I squeamishly watch as Haircut recounts the story to Hiccoughs.
Mouth agape, Hiccoughs locks eyes with me (during the punchline, presumably).
Feeling responsible, she picks up a beer bottle and approaches me.
I tell Josh that if she hits me with it he's going to have to do something about it.
I really do think that she's maybe going to pour this beer over my head.
Instead, she tells me that I don't know how to talk to women and that my hair is stupid, too.
But then we kept talking and she ended up being hilarious.
She eventually got over it.
"She asked my buddy if he wanted to commit suicide. Come on."
Then she stuck around because I was being really charming.
Before she went back to the others (after about 20 minutes) I made her admit that the joke was funny.
By the end of the evening, Haircut was hugging me and apologizing for...I'm not sure what, exactly.
Hiccoughs and I refused to give our phone numbers to one another.
In the end, it was neat to offend a group of people so thoroughly and then fix it.

Mostly, I just wanted to tell you the haircut line.