Save Mace

I'd like to be with a girl long enough to know her phone sign-off.
Everyone has a phone sign-off.
My ex-girlfriend's, for example, was:
"Who gave you this number?! Quit calling me!"
It's the little things, you know?

I wouldn't necessarily say that I expect to be maced one day.
But I believe that I have the capacity to be maced.
It's in me to be maced.
Ever get hot sauce in your eyes?
Stings, doesn't it?
Not like rejection.

Only Newfies will get this.
Do you know what heaven is?
Goobies.
A bunch of people meeting up with one another.
Enjoying bowls of turkey soup.

Remember the age when eating baked goods with an alcohol theme was exciting?
You'd eat seconds when no one was looking.
Then you'd brag to your friends the next day.
"Mom had a Harvey Wallbanger cake for pop's birthday.
I ate three pieces.
Then I had a bunch of chocolate liquor candies.
Like, a box of 'em.
I must've been drunk cause I threw up over my bed."

We're slaves to screens, you know.
The government is winning.
And if you read this and say to yourself, "That's ridiculous."
Ask yourself this:
Have you ever defecated in the presence of your laptop?