A Royal Pain

It took me a while to figure out how to meet cats.
Cats are aware that they're better than you.
They hate it when you rush up to them, implying this very fact.
They know that they're darling animals; they don't need you telling them.
Allow me to divulge:
You see a cat in a household, you treat it like a really hot woman at a party.
Briefly acknowledge, and then utterly disregard them.
You've seen cats before. No big deal.
What is that, a corset?
Whatever. You're heading to the table with the chips on it.
Let them begin to develop an insecurity about it.
They'll come to you.
Sit next to you on the couch, sniff your hand and lick it.
Gorgeous women and cats.
The world's most overconfident creatures.

I think I'm depressed.
Well, we're all depressed.
I think my depression is beginning to get in the way.
I don't blame you people, though.
I guess I blame the royal family.
Because they're always on TV.
If someone kicks their car it's international news.
Or their lorrie, whatever.
Just because they want to get to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in time to buy tickets.
People gossip about their marriages, and which of them are off to war.
What a joke, by the way.
That Prince What's-His-Face was involved with that war as much as I was.
You dress him in fatigues, put a helmet on him, and photograph it.
That's not war.
Flunking out of high school.
Drinking a lot of watery beer.
Sending sexually explicit videos to your lover 'back home' over the internet.
That's war.
And I guess this is what I'm getting at.
Everyone talks about the royal family as though they're realy people.
The version of the royal family that we have seen aren't as real as the characters on Coronation Street.
They don't do anything.
Even celebrities - the absolute shittiest ones - do things.
They put up with ostracizing criticism from people who don't know anything about what they do.
They go into rehab.
They steal babies from foreign countries.
The royal family waits for a special event, gets all dressed up for it, appears, waves, and then leaves.
And you know that they can't stand to go to all of these events they go to.
Imagine being a kid in the royal family.
Every day would be like going to church.
You have to get dressed up in constrictive clothing.
Sit really still.
And listen to adults prattle on about bullshit for hours.
We're the lucky ones, everybody.
We, the peons.