Last Dance with Taylor Rain*

Stephen Coombs impregnated his wife.
He videotaped it and put it up on the internet.
Now, I think that if enough of us fellas got together and did that.
We could make a lot of internet money.
Which-in case you were unaware-is as real as real money.
All it takes is a really great idea like this.
For a bunch of us to be set.
They weren't doing this in Grease.
We could have pregnant Rizzo on there, for the people who were into that.
Now Coombs' wife, Angela, has spit out the baby.
And they are legally bound to it.
Which I think is wonderful.
Because Coombs and Angela are two balanced individuals.
They love each other.
They don't create their own alcohol in their bathtub.
Their first kid can probably read-
At the very least, I know that she's potty trained.
It's a good thing that this is happening.
Most people shouldn't be having babies, though.
There are too many people on the planet.
Have you been to China, lately?
It's packed over there.
You know how MuchMusic Video Dance Parties are really awesome?
But if you have too many people in the gym, then no one can dance.
It's tough to move around.
Other people are trying to get in through the gym door.
Shouting, "Play that Timbaland song!"
Others are yelling back at them, "No! There's no room, Jason.
Go on, Jason!"
But Jason comes into the gym anyway.
Accompanied by those two guys that always follow him around but never say anything.
One of them sort of looks like that guy who can't see the Magic Eye in Mallrats.
And the other one always has dead skin behind his ears.
No one likes these people.
Coombs and Angela would never raise people like this.
Anyway, then no one is dancing at the MuchMusic Video Dance.
Then someone starts a rumor that the principal is in the science lab.
While the dance is going on.
And they`re making out with a dog.
Desperate to witness this, everyone tries to exit the Gym at the one time.
And most are trampled to death.
That's where the planet is headed.
We let in many more Jasons, and we'll all be crumpled on the floor.
Only people who really love one another should be having babies.
Two people should not be having babies just because they like the same TV shows.
That's not a reason to produce life.

I occasionally use chopsticks when I feel like wasting my time.

*I thought up this cute title as a pun on that stupid Tom Petty song.
And while I typed it out I thought, "Man, I hope this is really a person."
Because I was pretty sure that Taylor Rain is a pop singer.
But that's Taylor Swift.
Taylor Rain is a porn star.
Nevertheless, I'm keeping the title.

Coombs and Ang, this one's for you.
The pressure's on.