Day of Pigs OR This Day and Age

It feels good to once more prefer one type of pen to another.

We all have to exercise restraint.
It's a part of being human.
"I'll take my boot knife to the club, but I'll leave the Deringer at home."
"I'll have sex with my buddy's wife, but I won't record it like I did when I banged his sister."
"I'll get the fries as my side, but I'll throw them up right after the meal."
Like when Kyle brought home that girl he brought home.
And, while i'm waking up and she's leaving, I overhear:
Nervously, with a laugh, "I don't know when I'll see you again."
"Never!" That's what I want to yell. So badly.
But I restrain.

It's whatever day it is and I'm in some café where everyone speaks a different language than me.
Makes me feel exotic.
I'm writing jokes for the upcoming Roast of Peter White.
Get your tickets!
I guess they're okay.
It's an odd situation for me because a roast of some fat guy is really a roast for the other roasters.
And I haven't known these people nearly as long as they have known each other.
I'm the only one with his nose to the glass, here.
Can I make fun of a woman for having a baby and ruining her life when I don't know the father, baby, or mother, really?
One way to find out.

If you're asking how to eat a porkchop wrapped in foil (no utensils) while looking cool, I'm here to tell you that I'm not sure it's possible.
Not outside of Shopper's Drug Mart, anyway.
This was my day today. I'm telling you about my day.
Speaking of my days, my birthday is rapidly approaching.
Again.
If you're concerned about my turning 30, how I'm taking it, I urge you not to worry.
I'm going to begin keeping a scrapbook of all my friends' babies and accomplishments.
I also bought a nice bowl.
I'm going to eventually purchase some sparkly foam balls, shaped vaguely like fruit, and put those in the bowl.
And I think I'm going to start saving up for a motorcycle, just to be safe.
I'll be sure to keep you abreast of all of these precautions.
Which I'll also be doing on my new eHarmony account.
I'll be launching the accoount as soon as I can get a good photo of myself next to the bowl balls.
Yes, I'm ready for 30.
Is it ready for me?

30 is the same as 29 and 31.
We just put special emphasis on years that end with 0 and 5, that's all.
Of course, ask me about all of this in a year (if I haven't died in a motorcycle accident).
I wonder what I'll say...
(I don't really. I'll say the same thing).