City Slacker

Kyle and I are in the coffee shop.
Red ink. Purple ink.
Just a couple of eligible bachelors.
I did comedy at a new venue last night.
Which is a great way to meet new people and decimate your confidence.
Felt good.

If I was a woman, I'd be flat-chested.
I've never had any doubt about this.
High school as a woman would have been as exactly as sexually worrying as it was in this body.
Coupled with menstruation.
I don't get fake breasts.
Or, I don't get dudes who dig fake breasts.
Prefer, even.
I've heard men say things like:
"And she had these awesome, big fake tits."
If you ever see a truck with a bunch of useless shit attached to it, and you wonder:
"Who would drive that?"
The answer is this guy.
The bigger the tit, the better the tit.
No matter the cost.
These are the same guys who determine the quality of a film by the number of explosions in it.
I'm boring myself.

I really like "No Scrubs," but I wish the lyrics didn't apply to me so vividly.
So, I'm gonna go to Toronto for a bit.
For real this time.
Though I was likely too embarrassed to tell you, I booked dates to go before.
Then I didn't go.
Because I didn't want to end up a big success.
"Paul's back with a new suit and a cocaine problem.
He still doesn't own a car, but he looks as though he could rent one now."
I'm not as worried about that these days.
I think I can avoid success, even in Canada's busiest city.
I'm not sure what I'll be worried about this time around.
But I'm bound to cook up something while I'm on the plane.
Offending a black person, maybe.
Though I have absolutely no racial material whatsoever (for this very reason).
Getting lost, perhaps.
I could see that happening.
If I got lost in Toronto after dark, I'd begin crying.
And I wouldn't stop until a policeman helped me.
Stand in the middle of the subway terminal.
Arms hanging by my sides.
Just bawling.
"Are you lost, son?"
(Sniffling) "Uh huh."
Hey, it's what they get paid for.
What else?
Blending in. 
That's the scariest one of all.
However, with my polite nature and bumpkin wardrobe, I doubt this will happen.
Here are the places I am going to, and why:

Vaughn: Reminds me of Vince Vaughn. Whom I love.
Whenever I get my haircut, I say, "Give me the Vince Vaughn."
Kitchener: No one else is willing to go to Kitchener.
Ajax: I want to see where the members of Sum 41 grew up.
Downtown Toronto: It's close to Toronto.
Calgary: Memories.
Edmonton: Crack and Oxycontin.


They're not singing this song.
Makes you wonder if they ever sang it.