Natural Suggestion

One day I'm going to look up the doctor who delivered me.
And I'm going to write him a letter saying:
"Nice catch."

Myself and Turpin and what's his name went by Jungle Jim's last night.
It was awful.
I ate the rice too fast and it plimmed up inside of me.
Whatever that means.
It's something that mom claims rice does.
Usually dad is the one who makes up his own words.
Anyway.
Chris Holmes was in the booth next to us.
Which was wild.
I haven't seen Chris Holmes in a really long time.
He reminisced about the time that he was at Shandera's birthday.
And he began putting his pool cue through the ceiling.
Which is why I hadn't seen him in a really long time.
At another of Shandera's birthday parties, I almost killed Chris Holmes.
We were in the McDonald's caboose, and I said something funny just as Chris was swallowing some cheeseburger.
And he began choking on it.
Laughing and choking and sputtering burger flecks.
His face was purple, and I thought, "This guy is gonna die right in front of me."
I was pre-pubescent (what else is new?) and terrified.
But he worked it down.
And now he has a wife and a little wee Chris Holmes.

Everyone in Egypt needs to take a chill pill.
Humans are so great at inventing salad dressings and lubricants.
But we'll never stop our playground rackets with one another.
Cause one group wants to control the slide.
Another the monkey bars.
And they simply can't figure out that if they all shared this stuff, they could all relax.
Enjoy the slide. Enjoy the bars.
Then their only concern would be keeping the dirty people (homeless) from using it.
Which is always the easiest group to isolate.
If we bred selectively, jerkoffs would never end up running countries.
Because they'd be extinct.
We'd just keep a couple of their petrified skulls, labeled and under glass, in our museums.
HOMO ERECTUS
CRO-MAGNON
DUDES WHO WORE THEIR SUNGLASSES BACKWARDS
Nothing says, 'moving forward' like a little sterilization.
Every other species practices this.
If you don't have the plumage.
If you can't lock the horns.
If you don't have the most swollen gonad.
If you can't walk past a payphone without jamming gum in the coin slot.
You don't get to fuck anything.
Not everyone deserves a little Chris Holmes.
This has nothing to do with Egypt, of course.
...Or does it?