We're finally talking about it.
I understand how people reach the conclusion.
Funny.
Big nose.
Seems as though I'm accustomed to persecution.
Curly hairs all over my body.
I get it.
Reliable diamond dealer.
I understand that the parallels are many.
All coincidences.
I'm not Jewish.
Not even a little bit.
I don't know what a tallit is.
I still have my foreskin.
Don't be so quick to assume, as people have been in the past few years.
It's the assumption that bothers me.
How in-your-face people get about it.
"Are you Jewish?"
"Shalom would say 'yes', shalom would say 'no'."
Though I'm not a part of their faith, I'm accountable for their stereotypes.
And that's fucked.
Now that I'm about to rocketship to Toronto, I'm more conscious of these allegations than ever.
Because it's a place where everything is "none of your business," except for your "background."
"What's your background?"
Whatever the fuck that means.
Such a rude question.
Some dick you just met at a party asking you what colour your parents' semen and eggs are.
In case there are any matches.
Because then we can talk about foods we both like to eat, I guess.
"Fish and Brewis!"
When people ask my background, I'm going to give trick answers.
The only one I have in mind so far is to give my dancing background instead of my historical one.
Which I'm stealing from a favourite Simpson's scene that I can't show you.
I'll transcribe it at the bottom, but it's not going to be the same as seeing it.
Really, I'm worried that rat comics in the rat race will think I cultivated this look on purpose.
That I might be exploiting Judaism in order to land a Comedy Now!
And that bothers me the most.
Because why would anyone purposefully want to look like this?
Potential imaginary benefits aside.
My hair just grows this way.
I'd be happy to sport a crew cut just for a little variety to my head.
But that's just not possible.
I know I look like Billy Crystal when I wear a baseball cap.
It's not my choice.
I want to look normal.
Not to say you look abnormal, Jewish people.
Kent Brockman: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors; useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Barney Gumble: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Kent: Uh huh. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.
3 comments:
Don't beat yourself up over such a small matter when there's plenty of valid reasons to be self depricating. You're more then curls and hand gestures and people will see that if given time. We like stereotypes because they making jumping to conclusions quicker and easier. With that out of the way we can get on with our judgement with a false sense of accuracy. Your other traits will be more apparent and dominant in time, I'd hate to see you waste useful energy defending a gentile existance that's not under attack. Bringing a huge bucket of pigs feet for snacking on stage might help as well...
Don't beat yourself up over such a small matter when there's plenty of valid reasons to be self depricating. You're more then curls and hand gestures and people will see that if given time. We like stereotypes because they making jumping to conclusions quicker and easier. With that out of the way we can get on with our judgement with a false sense of accuracy. Your other traits will be more apparent and dominant in time, I'd hate to see you waste useful energy defending a gentile existance that's not under attack. Bringing a huge bucket of pigs feet for snacking on stage might help as well...
Eat pork everywhere you go? That might help. Make a custom tee with a picture of your Wang on it? Grow a hitler stash?
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