With the Band

Y'know what's funny about high school students?
Very little.
Except this:
When they tell you, "You're cool, sir," they think that they're saving you from something.
When you woke up this morning, you were an itch of society's groin.
But now!
Now! Well, now you're cool.
Sir.
I have almost said (and still may), "Like I give a shit what you think; you're in high school."
I really could say that, you know.
I casually swear around high school students.
Because they always do so first.
And they use way worse words than I do.

Musicians are pansies, really.
Pussies!
And the famouser they get, the pussier they are.
Purely from a performance standpoint, that is.
Not a sex-with-women standpoint.
If we're looking at it that way, the weiner is still me.
And Esteves.
But on stage? Big deal.
You have two or three other people with you, first of all.
So if you black out or forget which guy in the band you are, they can cover for you while you figure it out.
(Regain consciousness)
Slipknot has like, ten guys in the band.
One of them could have an allergic reaction to shellfish they ate on the tour bus.
Crowd probably wouldn't even notice.
Go on Letterman.
Do one song.
One thing.
Of the things you do.
You do one.
The crowd can't wait to hear it.
They've sung to it off-key at intersections for weeks.
Naueseated!
They want to hear your stupid song so bad.
Can't sleep.
You play the opening note of the song.
Crowd loses their mind.
Your work's already done at this point.
You fuck up a chord.
You forget a word.
Your wind chime guy has an allergic reaction to shellfish.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
Cause they saw you play that song that time.
You are Right Said Fred.
You are Chumbawamba.
You can be horrible and you're still amazing.
Therefore. Pussies.
Comics do it alone.
No one gives a shit about who you are unless you have a TV show.
You do things they have never heard.
While you hope that they'll like it.
And if you do one figment.
One sliver of a line they know:
"Oh, this guy sucks. I heard this joke before."
And unlike musicians, we're not even cool.
We have to act like we are.