Teeth For Two

My newfound roommate went into the bathroom some time ago, and she won't come out. She's not making any noise. On the way in there she said that she was drunk. I believe she said that. Now, I'm concerned she has passed out in there (it's only ten p.m.) and I have to brush my teeth before I go to work.
I could knock on the door, and say, "Are you okay?" That.s awkward for both of us, though.
What's the story on those Crest Whitestrips? Are they for real? My teeth usually stain because I drink so much coffee...and I really am attentive to oral hygiene. Are these things worth my time? I've tried whitening toothpastes, and whitening mouthwashes, but neither have worked. Sure, they improve things, but they don't really fix the situation.
I'd feel like an idiot, gluing these things to my teeth, trying my damnedest not to get them stuck on my gums. Then I'd have to sit there, thus wrapped, and then, guaranteed, some random girl would show up at my door: "My car broke down. Well, it didn't break down, I just forgot to put oil in it. And gas. I'm running late for my pool tournament, and all of my friends are there to watch me. All except my boyfriend, of course, because I don't have one. I find that a personality is so much more important than looks, and I just can't seem to find a guy I can relate to. The last boyfriend I had? He kept arguing with me because he said that I play too many video games, and that I enjoy silly satirical cartoons way too much. I even made him a shirt that said 'Fuck Relationship Spats' in an effort to end the argument, but, you know how these things go...
"Anyway, could I use your phone, maybe? Or perhaps you could drive me there? I've just started learning to cook. I could make you something as a thank you. Or I could bake you something. Do you like apple pie? I really have to get to this pool tournament. Do you play pool?"
And then I'd say, "Yesh! Oh ma gawd yesh! Wait, jush let me take off my Cresh Whiteshtripsh!"
Then she'd laugh at me and leave.